05.25.04 - 2:26 a.m.

A new evening, a new challenge. i'm grinning right now, you just can't tell.

who ever decided that being friends with your ex-boyfriend was a good idea? i think i am missing the days of junior high, you know, when you could tell your best friend to deliver a note in seventh grade homeroom to tell the guy that you didn't want to going out 'right now' and of course, he never talked to you again. what emotional freedom to move on and forget the bastard that amanda told kelly that she saw him kissing becky in the hallway after the second dance of the year (true story). I spent a regrettably hysterical 15 minutes outside after sneaking out the back fire door, and another really-not-regretted 20 minutes about two hours later making out with the 16 year old DJ the hired for the dance. life moved quickly, and my ability to bounce back seemed endless. in that sense, i truly do miss those days. not the fashion though. purple socks sucked ass.

these days, i have no clue. relationships seem to get disected to the point where you barely have room to move. i'm guilty of it myself. but fuck, where, in between 7th grade and now, did it become acceptable, or even expected, that you have to become friends and deal with each other? He's sleeping with her now, he doesn't need my permission, or approval. i feel like such an idiot in front of the new girl... what do you say "hey, i had him for four years, good in bed, sucks in communication, and heaven help you actually need him for an emotional crisis". i don't want to give tips to the new girl. i miss him terribly, but none of those aspects that are available to me anymore, if they ever were available to begin with.

fuck. i want him to be happy with someone else. i want me to not think about the bad things that seem to reign down on that relationship like it was greeks times and the gods were angry. i do want to forgive him, and apologise profusely for not having managed to do it thus far, i'm working on that.... i am trying the exorcism through those pin cushion dolls (you see? your friends aren't doing that to you).

i only managed to start being friends with my ex husband this past year, after 5 years of separation. surely there is a reverse statute of limitations on this stuff.... less than six months, don't bother?

can't i just send him a basket of those fucking mini muffins or something and call it a day or something?

�

�

fucked up before - fucked up after