06.01.04 - 7:45 p.m.

I AM HOME....

Well, not exactly home. my home away from home, the place which has all of my stuff yet little of the people or scenery that i love. yet its home for now, and i can't even begin to express the relief i felt just to come home, take a bath in my own bathtub, cuddle my cats and just realize that I was no longer in that hell that is my favorite place in the world.

let me break it down for you....

i went home because my uncle had a brain tumour. cancer. found out it spread. some other tumours may not be operable. everyone in my family is upset. i spent most of the time sitting in the hospital waiting room.

my exboyfriend (nicknamed smack, for those of you keeping track). we're friends. we're not friends. i hate him. i love him (kinda). i kiss him. i realize that i am still pissed off that i stayed with him after some of the shit he pulled. realized i stayed with him because my self esteem was so low i couldn't get out. get newly pissed with him because he didn't act like my friend. then his new girlfriend comes to town (lets call her the suspiciously soon after the breakup girl). then, despite the promises of "wanting to be there for me" and "i'll be a support for you" i don't hear from him the entire rest of the time i'm home. i give back his keys, the borthday present (what the hell do i want 50$ of clothing and books for? i want a phone call when i'm having a rough time, not a guilt-ridden 2 month late b-day gift). i'm sure that its gotten to the point of no return now... no more friends....

oh yeah,, and trying to write up my masters data... publish or perish in this biz!!

not to mention that the weather was absolute crap. i mean, its fucking end of may/ early june and it was 5 degrees celcius and RDF (rain/drizzle/fog) the entire fucking time. i nearly froze.

all this proved to be way more than my none-too-easily balanced mind could take....

i was so glad to get back to my life, even though its not home.....

me, in happier times, in happier places where i used to live. most times i am content with who,what and where i am... its rare that i wish to be elsewhere...

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fucked up before - fucked up after