07.12.04 - 3:08 p.m.

and now for something completely different, because, even I, my friends, get tired of hearing me whine about love life.

Its remarkable, really, that every now and then I manage to verbalize something to myself such as that. I had that epiphany last night while watching terminator 2 in french. I said to myself, "self" I said, "it is remarkably pathetic to be channeling this much extra energy

(subthought: when I have proven to myself time and time again that I do, indeed, have a limited supply of said energy)

into maintaining, establishing or otherwise entertaining the relationship industry

(subthought: it IS an industry, there is tons and tons of shit for sale out there geared to propogate and support the modern day relationship in every twisted version today's society can spit out)

when you quite literally have so much other shit which could be taking up your time... work, friends, family. maybe thats why i have less and less patience with emotional fuckwittage as i get older.

subthought definition:

emotional fuckwittage: that behaviour which males get on with during quasi-relationships to avoid either commitment (real or imagined 'want' of partner) or other dreaded 'relationship' ball and chains. example? Once when I was less cynical and more willing to consort with assholes (I was going to be the one to change them, obviously?!?!?) a man that i was enamoured with and I started dating. soon we spent most of our time together. we hung out on our own. we spent time with friends, both his and mine. we fucked like bunnies. the sex was decent, sometimes really good. we 'talked' about all manner of things. we slept together about 5 or 6 nights of the week. There was little discussion of 'where is this going?' or 'whats going on here'... I was supremely happy just to go along as things were. About 8 months after the start of this, I brought over a toothbrush and a couple pairs of socks and underwear one night because, well, i was sick of having to carry around that shit in my purse on such a regular basis. we broke up. that night. apparently, leaving a toothbrush was a sign that i was 'wanting too much' from him. of course, we got back together, 'cause thats the stupidest thing i've ever heard for why someone would break up (please feel free to submit rival stories of fuckwittage). but he managed to 'reset the relationship clock' by doing this, hence allowing himself an extra little bit of time before this came up again. emotional fuckwittage: uses technical details (i.e. "you never SAID we were in a relationship") and scared boy panic to override the obvious (if you are getting inbetween my thighs on a regular basis and you aren't my gyno, then some sort of relationship is in the works).

and here I said I wasn't going to whine about my love life. that'll learn ya to listen to me, huh? i tihnk thats because I can extract such joy and distinction from how much i, or my current romantic partner, can suck at any given moment. i swear, 'tis the cruelest joke of biology that humans aren't self-reproducing.

T2 in french was a cool waste of my time though.... linda hamilton was ripped in that movie, and sexy in a crazy-bitch kind of way (my favorite kind). and watching it in french was cool, 'cause, well, lets face it, the dialogue is not that challenging to follow in english either, so it makes me feel kinda smart (in french at least) to be able to follow the movie.

okay, enough wasting of time. back to work. ONWARDS AND UPWARDS!

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fucked up before - fucked up after