09.28.04 - 2:30 p.m.

So last night I had a panic attack in the middle of the night. Everything else seemed normal about the night. well, normal for me,

In a usual fit of being unable to decide where i could work best, I had gone home around 4pm on my bike, only to turn around at 6pm when i couldn't get into the 'zone'... I got home around 9pm, after the 'zone' at the lab wasn't working out either... a few friends phoned and I chatted a bit... complaining to me that they were bored. if i could only be so lucky.....

went down to the grocery store so i would have more than fuzzy green pepper and sour milk in the fridge (sometimes, just sometimes, fridge cleaning/stocking is not my forte. that, and doing the dishes). bopped around the grocery store while listening on the ipod (BEST INVENTION EVER!... i love that not matter what I'm in the mood for, its there), flirting with the vegtables. locked myself out of the car and spent a fuming 30 mintues waiting for the guy to spend less than 30 seconds to charge me 40$ to jimmy the lock (seriously, he never even turned his engine off).. went home, watched a couple minutes of the idiot box for a couple minutes, then settled in bed with a couple articles to i could absorb some goodies about other people's thoughts on natural selection before i fell asleep.

and thats when i woke up around 3am out of some dream that somebody was trying to kill me. vampires or something. but the main intent was clear: kill anne. so i woke up a little freaked. and then the panic attack set in. because of the dream? oh no, gentle readers, no because evil vampires were stalking me through dreamland. because i was alone.

possible with hightened senses, i went around my apartment making sure that all the windows were secured, the door was locked. and that was when (a mere 10 months after the breakup) that I realized I really am alone. i know, i'm kinda slow that way.

i've been focussing so much on how much i liked being single (note to self: responding "just lucky i guess" to the question "why are you single" conveys a sense of satisfaction in your current status... if i ever want to get out of it, i'll have to adjust my attitude.. some helpful self-help crap for me to swallow from my mother (you could tell that came from my mother from the "attitude adjustment" phrasing, huh?)). oh, and there is the focussing on the hating dating thing which i like to do on occasion as well... If i may rant a little here: I would happily date if I could find someone who wasn't a sucky, momma's boy, exgirlfriend-in-love-with, arrogant, emotionally stunted (or emotionally stunned) fuckwit. i mean it, happily.

i love my apartment.... i haven't actually lived with someone for any amount of time since i was married to dan...and even then part-time, i had my apartment in newfoundland, he was in alberta..

well, in central america i had, like, cabina mates... our cabins were about 50 meters apart in the jungle... not much good when you don't have electricity, and its completely dark out and many many insects and snakes might block your path between you and the potential others you might talk to. of course, it was super fun to go hunting for sloths in the trees at night. or kinkajous (don't know about the spelling of that, the locals called them the 'dogs of the trees', in spanish of course)..

with the recent ex,, i arranged it so i had an apartment just down the road.. i was a little gun-shy on the moving in together thing, so my compromise was to live within a "jogging quickly in pajamas for 45 seconds" distance between our apartments, which was, i have to say, extremely convenient for those more boring moments when you can't sleep... distraction being only a quick dash through the snow...

so its not like i'm unused to living alone, i've always liked my space. but somehow, at 3am in the middle of a city where i barely speak the language, i realized i really don't have that comforting male presence in my life that i can run to and act like a big sook in front of. A presence, I must say, I've had in my life pretty constantly all my life, never really spending much time without.

OK, I'm 29, I'm single, I've dated many men, i've been married (and divorced, or is that obvious?), I feel used up and cynical, romantically speaking. i'm alone in the middle of an apartment with two cats, lots of books and stress... there is no man, or woman for that matter, on the horizon, but i'm strong and independant, and smart. this is the best time to start questioning my life choices, right?

maybe not.... breathing into a paper bag at 3am is not my favorite activity.

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fucked up before - fucked up after