09.24.04 - 5:23 p.m.

right guy, wrong timing. as usual.

i didn't happen to mention what that little spurt of dating was brought on by, did i? A fit of optimism that little resembles my usual "pull the bandaid off quickly" version of what dating is... and really,. i don't think i'm wrong there... show me your assholic tendencies right off the bat so no one has to waste their time baking brownies or arranging restraining orders... i would rather know NOW that you are a jerk-off fuck-wit than waste a perfectly good evening that i could be spending at home getting stoned and watching a movie by myself... which can be highly amusing, especially if you are like me and do things like order pizza, then tip the pizza guy 14$ "not to tell anyone" that i'm that stoned, or invite friends over and giggle so much that the cats get freaked out at us... thats fun. sitting in on a bad date, especially if it is your bad date, is not fun.

however, i met this guy. of course, there is always a guy...

it was in the middle of my field season, and my prof asked me to travel up the coast to give a talk on his behalf at another research station for some big-wig funding people. so i went, all unshaven and dirty in my field clothes, drove up singing at the top of my lungs to bad 80s pop music... to make a long story short, there was, among the 20 or so people around there, this guy, another grad student that i immediately was attracted to.

it was like one of those moments, where one second you are like, wow, i could really like this guy, and the next you are like, fuck me, he has issues. the exgirlfriend came up. you could tell it was recent, painful and not going anywhere in a hurry. so i though, ok, so thats that. but this guy is really cool, so i wanna hang out with him anyways, because, well, who am i to pass up friendship with an anglophone, seeing as i'm so hungry for anglo company all the time, and besides, i really like this guy for who he is..... you'd have to meet him to understand... warm and extremely gentle manner, super dry wit, slow and steady way about him, intelligence shows through, and well, i saw him sweaty, which for me, is like the clincher (c'mon, everybody has a fetish... dirty sweaty boys happen to be mine). cute too... very tall and nice eyes.

that was the first night. the second night, in the midst of a celebration of sorts, we ended up getting tipsy and going for a long long walk... down to the beach, watching the stars. sounds corny, but it wasn't, it was cool. and i told him some of my stories. and he told me some of his stories. and i was more open with him, than i have been with anybody else for a while.... that quickly, on contact, almost instant high level of trust given... i don't know why.. his eyes are very gentle.

so beneath the stars and in the dark we cuddled and i wished his head was with me, cause that would have 'completed' this perfect scene somehow.

but he wasn't and it wasn't. isn't that sad?

all this time i was hanging out with him, i knew in my head that he wasn't there. i also knew that i was fooling myself if i thought i could do anything to change that. i've been there.... there is no getting out of that head space before you are ready. but it was so nice to hang out with him and pretend that what was going on wasn't really what was going on...

five hours or so later when we wandered back to camp reality set in and i left the next morning at around 6am, because, well, i think my ego and heart have been kicked around enough times this year, that i no longer need to go searching for trouble and invite no-win situations into my life. i refuse to set myself up to like someone who is not free to like me back, no matter how cool he was. i hope we can be close friends, though...

it did, however, inspire a burst of "the right guy with the right timing" must be out there somewhere... maybe if i leave myself open to it, it'll pop into view when i least expect it? hopefully next time i won't be singing bad 80s pop tunes...

of couse, the dating spree from hell came after that... and well, now i would rather rip bandaids off every inch of my body than go on another getting-to-know-you date. slowly with rubbing alcohol.

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fucked up before - fucked up after