10.08.04 - 11:56 p.m.

is it love, carrying a torch, or a flamethrower?

my ex is getting married again. my ex, the one that i can truly say without a doubt that i was head over heels in love with, the one that i thought was my soulmate, the one that i never thought would end, the one by which i have measured all subsequent relationships by, the one whom i have never felt for someone else what i had with him.

i've known for quite a while. six months or so. we are friendly, we talk on the phone occasionally, we write emails. we haven't seen each other in person in 6 years.

somehow, i always felt that we would end up together again at somepoint. i truly believed that we were soulmates, and that one day it would all come together again, once i had grown up, and we could be partners. true companions. you see, when we got together i was young and he was 16 years older. the age gap itself wasn't the problem so much as my age.,.. i was only 21 when i met him. i was a messed up individual, just exiting a heavily dangerous period in my life...lots of drugs, all different types, lots of sex, with whomever, lots of high risk behaviour you associate with someone who has a lot of issues built up behind her. i had been raised in a priviledged background, had never wanted for anything material wise, but i had been dealt a few hard blows along the way, that no one could have protected me from. childhood sex abuse, rape as a young adult, a chronic auto-immune that without a cure, gave me a taste of my mortality and betrayal of my body that made a sour taste in my mouth. all wrapped up together, i was messed and angry. very very angry and eager to prove that i may not be in for the longest lifespan, but i was going to experience alot of things in it. i had also hit upon a fly-by, dime store theory that to appreciate the true beauty of lfe you had to experience the true ugliness of it as well. hence, my approach to life that made things worse.

i met dan as i was leaving that. maybe he helped me leave it quicker. i was so overwhelmed by the feeling of being in love, that it was invigorating and gave me a renewed interest in seeing the next decade or two.

but i was so in love with him. drastically. tragically and completely. when we broke up, it tore me in two. but he had made me so strong as a person, i knew how to mend myself. and i wasn't afraid. i thought if i had experienced it once, then love was bound to happen again to me, right? it couldn't be just a one time thing.

it hasn't happened for me again, not like that. at first i thought maybe love was different the second time around, going forward with the knowledge that sometimes love changes, or goes away, that has to change how it feels the second time around, right?? then i slowly figured out, each and everytime that i gave it a shot, that it wasn't love. fond, but not in love. fitter, happier, and more productive. fond, but not in love.

anyways, learning that dan was getting married... at first i thought, thats fine, thats natural, we should all move on and be happy.

then slowly but surely the nagging doubts and thoughts crept in. is it really over? you mean, if he had to choose, he would really choose her? after all we've been through? after he whispered in my ear in the dark that i was his soulmate? is what i feel for him just remembering what love was about?? is it just feeling the memory so close that it could be mistaken for love? or am i still in love with him? or am i lonely and all this wondering could be destructive in both of our lives?

i no longer am sure, maybe thats my answer. though i'm more scared then anything else... scared that i've somehow fucked up what was really meant for me, and now i won't feel it again in my lifetime. i'm also scared that i'm just lonely..

everybody tells me that i'm interesting, smart, beautiful and have everything going for me in life.

why haven't i fallen in love again?

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fucked up before - fucked up after