06.09.04 - 10:58 a.m.

the new boy has gone into the field again.

We are all biologists, you see, in the academic stream no less. that means there is only the most tenuous grasp of what reality is outside this weird world. Academia is a strange land, where people eat sleep and jerk off to thier work, whatever little crazy corner of biology they happen to be studying. You only really know other academics, 'cause that is who you meet and the only other people who can stand you. oh sure, most of us have some friends on the outside somewhere, either people who left the fold to find a 'real job' that pays 'real money' or some other such similar situation. but often, you socialize, drink, have sex and eat with your fellow sufferers. and no one knows why they are doing it (the long hours, the stress, the obsessiveness) except some inner drive telling them to go on. you don't have actual social lives to speak of, your personal relationships suffer (ever try to explain to a non-academic significant other that you can't just quit and find a job that pays money because you 'need' to spend the next 14 years in grad school to contribute to your tiny area of science or life will not be worth living?), your health (stress kills man, stress kills).

i figure we are all a little on the nuts side. the obsessive, crazily focused on little details ones... in another lifetime, we would be the apes scrutinizing other apes obsessively for nits, instead of doing the fun stuff, like eating or fucking.

oh sure, there are good points to the lifestyle. you choose your hours to work, for example. you can choose pretty much any 15 hours of the day that you want, in which to work.

you have freedom. freedom to do what, i have no idea. you are apparently respected in society.

for this idea of respect in society, i have a few footnotes. as a girl, i am soooo respected in society that the moment that it comes out what i do for a living, that guy who until now practically had his tongue on the bar, waiting to lick me (in what i can only hope was going to be in some rewarding regions of my body) has several looks that pass over his face: moment of processing (what was that she said again?) moment of recognition (wow, cool) and then moment of conclusion (shit man, she won't fall for my lines, she's too smart). it then follows that i am apparently too smart to be having casual sex.. THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS,... I don't want to be thought of as too smart for casual sex. try me, i am just smart enough to be really really really wanting sex (that whole thing about chicks getting hornier as they get older is sooo true). my male friends keep telling me that if i really wanted to be having sex, i would just dumb it down a bit so it wouldn't seem so intimidating. but its pathetic that i would have to do something like that. this friend of mine, she's in her late thirties, very hot chick, single and extremely smart (that side of genius that edges on crazy) has taken to using terminology to describe her stuff that is just vague enough that she doesn't feel she is dumbing it down, but she knows is amiguous enough that the average person would just kinda nod and wonder what that meant exactly. to each her own.

oh yeah, other good points. everybody smokes pot. no kidding, so many academics smoke pot its unreal. its like this accepted part of academia...

where did i start this entry again???

oh right, the new boy has gone to do fieldwork. i say new boy, but i should stop, he's been around for 3 or 4 months now (mid or late feb on??), but i guess in comparison with the mammoth shadow of crap that the previous relationship left after only four years, this one still seems scrubbed fresh and new. we are "dating", which means basically that I can't seem to bring myself to actually say we are in a big 'R' relationship thingy, but i spend my extra time with him, and we sleep together all the time.... he lives about 45 seconds away, and that, i must say, is extremely convenient.

i don't want it to sound so cold, i really like this guy. he has this huge smile which just lights up his face, he makes me laugh, makes me not take myself so seriously. he is good in bed, technically very skilled, but also eager and enthusiastic, and very open. we have fun together, and i like how he thinks... he is always so conscious of his affect on other people... very open and willing to help out. intellectually he's really humble but vey gifted...

so why not commitment from me? i dunno... i guess its just taking me a while to find my sea legs again... i figure that as soon as i'm in a place where arguing with my ex is not an option, then i'll be ready... iff you are still arguing, you are still hooked in some way i think...

i miss him when he's not around though....very quiet around the apartment, though i do manage to catch up on all that masturbation time i've been missing....

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fucked up before - fucked up after