06.13.04 - 7:24 p.m.

Despite what one may assume from the previous entries, this obnoxious, bitchy, egotistical, overly-sexed female has not been single very much in her lifetime. it seems like i rarely last in the "just dating" realm. whenever I go for casual sex, i end up with a relationship. whenever i just "casually date' someone, i end up in a relationship. even my casual sex relationships are these bizarre relationships that last ten years or more, in psuedo-friendship/fuckbuddy status. i don't know what it is. personally, i think i can be demanding, unpredictable, and quite bitchy during PMS (i advise anyone who spends any amount of time with me to start tracking my menstrual cycle in their agendas for their own good, seriously). so why am i always in relationships? i dunno...

at first i always blamed it on meeting that next "really great guy" really soon after the last breakup, and that timing wasn't my fault, etc etc etc.... as the years have rolled on, and the boys have come and gone, i have to admit, that i bring it on myself....

I like boys. (i like girls as well, but that hasn't happened in quite a while, so i'm accepting that i've settled into a heterosexual life style... can't do without penis action as my friends would say). i like boys quite a bit. i like their smell, the way they act goofy when they try to live up to thier stereotype, i love the sex, and i have a lot of fun hanging out with them.. i grew up hanging out with boys, so i've always appreciated the non-complicated nature of the companionship... they, in their own twisted way, say what they mean, don't tend to get on with trivial crap, and I am almost always assured that they will be up for sex on demand (a triat that I favor highly).

so invite them in. i tend to need my brain to be stimulated in order to be into sex. i need the mental probing, some form of bizarre intelect that intrigues me. you got that, you have me wet. if you lined up all of my exboyfriends, you would see very little physical resemblance between them .. but mentally they are all pretty odd bunch... similar in being very intelligent, creative twists/outlets, and a different way of thinking. i love getting to know them. i just also like to get naked while i'm getting to know them. makes them a little more vulnerable, a little more open, and i get orgasms. everybody wins, yes? so i have the sex and the intimate friendship, and bing bang boom, before i know it, it's a relationship...

my casual sex boys are a string of guys that i call for those "inbetween" times.. a bizarre set that have sporadically over the years attempted to mount the relationship hump... only with a stern hand, and a propensity to have a wandering eye have i consciously kept them in check.

rarely do i actually date. you know, the meeting up with someone for lunch or drinks, or whatever to chat and 'get to know' each other. i met my ex-husband because i was on a first date with his best friend (love at first sight, how quaint, huh?)... my last long relationship i took home from a bar to use for sex and he stuck for four years. one of my first lovers i was determined was going to be just casual, and low and behold if i couldn't keep that relationship gene in check.. but him, i also picked up at a party, hoping for one night of sex... the only one i've ever managed to have only one night stand with was the night i lost my virginity, and that is quite the tale, for another time...

anyways, i digress... a couple weeks back, to prove to myself that i was not in a relationship with the latest boy (before you think i'm a bitch, i did tell him that i didn't want a relationship and that i wanted to date others) i went out on a date. my first date in many many years (the latest boy i hooked up with because he crashed on my couch when he first got to town... i figured, convenient? and he's a sweety). my first date with a quebecois boy, so my first date in the other official language.... (a barrier, i assure you... my sarcasm doesn't come across in french). we met one night at a bar.. i was quite drunk, but intrigued by the conversation (note to self; never trust druken appraisals) and gave out my phone number to him. he called a couple times over the next week, but i was always in the middle of something, or too busy to talk.... until one night he caught me at home, and i agreed to meet up with him that night at a neighbourhood cafe before i was supposed to meet friends later in a local bar.

at the cafe he was not as charming as i had recalled. i kept on attributing the somewhat patronizing comments and bizarre sentiments to a translation problem (note to self; always trust your instincts). i found it weird that he left it to me to pick up the tab, but i was somewhat grateful at the same time... if you are having a somewhat non-stellar evening with someone, it is always best to pick up the tab, less obligation not to tell them exactly where they can go if you so desire later (my daddy drilled that into my head at a young age). he also seemd kinda demanding to me, making a bunch of future plans, seemingly with or without my approval.. once, when i responded bewildered "umm, i think i have something that night" he not only demanded to know what, but also what i was doing for the following 4 nights as well.. when one of my reasons for being busy was because i was planning to go to a boxing workout that night, he told me that i could "skip that"... anyways, i was intent on leaving this guy at this point, but i had already mentioned what bar i was going to after, and he invited himself to join me later. i'm not sure how he did it, but he did. he knew some other the other people going that night, so i didn't argue that much.

i swear though, i was almost rude to him at this stage.... not encouraging at all. i didn't expect him to show at the bar. i thought, if i was getting the vague, undefined answers, i would have the sense to stay home ( i hope)... he didn't

about three hours later, and many tequila shots with friends, in a crowded, smoky dance bar (not my choice, was my friend's birthday) he showed. being very drunk again, he seemed more charming than he had earlier (note to self; begin to spot patterns.. alcohol does not an interesting guy make). it was a loud bar, so no real conversation was even tried, and about an hour later, realizing how drunk i was, i attempted to slip out the door without anyone noticing. except my new charming friend saw me, and tailgated me with the whole "i can't let a drunk girl walk home alone" thing ... fair enough, but i was gonna get a cab. anyways, he walk me to my door, and walks in with me. not invited, but i'm drunk and not entirely confrontational at the moment.

i get some water, feed the cats, and sit on the opposite end of the couch from him.

no talking.

i fall asleep.

i wake up, he's still there.

i fall asleep again.

i wake up, its 2 hours later, i'm a hell of a lot more sober now. and he's still there. except this type he wiggles his way over, and tries kissing me. which surprises me... but i liked being kissed so i try it out. no good, just a bad match all around. after about a minute i push him away...

normally, if i was a guy i would be thinking "gee, she's not been encouraging all night, she was drunk, she's been sleeping for the past 2 1/2 hours and now she's pushed me away after i make my first pass at her... i guess its time for me to go home"

not this guy... this guy decides that if me pushing him away is just me being coy (note to self; should make it clearer to potential dates that i am not coy. ever.). and in the ever so winning move, tries to undo my jeans.

boys. if you've been turned down for the kissing, its not likely you are getting down her pants unless its by force. lucky for me, this guy was not the raping kind.

but he was determined. and what he proceeded to do over the next 45 mintues (yes, thats 2700 seconds) was BEG, PLEAD and try to CAJOLE me into removing my pants... 'vien vien vien' was like this constant mantra ("lets go lets go lets go") from him. i have to hand it to him, he was persistant. though pathetic at the same time.

i thought this was something i had lost with highschool, along with cliff notes and locker combinations. do grown men (this guy is 34) actually still BEG for sex? is sex really worth it if you have to BEG for it? do they really think that this will work on a woman ("maybe if i just try hard enough she'll change her mind and find me irrisistable")? wouldn't you normally give up after 5 minutes?

after 45 minutes straight of "i think you should leave" and "vien vien vien" responses (i was still unsure how far he would take the forcefulness so i was trying to be polite until i got him out my door, while keeping an eye on the nearest heavy object of course)... he then started with "well, can i just sleep over then? its cold out. nothing will happen, i swear".. that continued for another 15 minute before i managed to get him out of the apartment. he rang the buzzer about five minutes after leaving because he left his wallet in my apartment. i threw it out the window to the street rather than let him in.

i think that was like groundhog day for me... i poked my head up, the dating world seemed nasty, i've gotten spooked and i'm heading back in for another six weeks.

i mean, seriously, who begs for sex?

and if this is what i have to look forward to, isn't masturbation better?

�

�

fucked up before - fucked up after