07.04.04 - 3:40 p.m.
its been a rollercoaster ride man, a big one that kinda goes on too long and what was thrilling at first, ends up kinda turning your stomach.
So in the mere days since the last time I added personal details to this thing, I've encountered slight changes to the personal landscape of my life.
Gone is the new boy. I guess no longer the new boy. he's an old boy now, joining the ranks of those guys I date for short times, till something pisses me off and the connection doesn't feel strong enough to warrant blustering through it.
i have to say, when we first got together, I thought we were really meant to be. now i realize that we were really meant be throttling each other if it meant spending any more time on 'trying' to hold on to the relationship. THIS IS A BIG RED FLAG... if it is necessary to be 'working on things' so early in the game, SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT THAT WILL NEVER BE RIGHT.
time to listen to the inner instincts folks....
so he pissed me off one too many times, and i said to myself, 'self', i said, 'why the hell are you putting up with crap like this from a fuckwit who although is enjoying the 'goodies of your canyon' so to speak, and is an intellectual match, is about as emotionally on par as a five year old.' and i'm not complaining about the propensity to tell fart jokes, 'cause, well, they can be funny. and frankly, i was enjoying any walks in the canyon as much as him, if not more...(with a little instruction this is possible with practically anyone... its my clit, not the sphynx boys...) its the whole, 'how can i make this about myself' approach to every situation. i swear, if a guy is single, and in his thirties, he appears to be retarded on some level, and thats why he hasn't ended up reproducing yet.
i maintain that i'm just choosy. ;-)
well. not choosy this week though.
I've been kissing people since. I LOVE kissing people. kissing people is this excellent pass-time which is highly underated as a way to pass that time when you don't feel that you are connected morally or emotionally to someone else. I am a BIG fan of the kissing thing. especially strange boys. boys i've just met? it's this intoxicating thing...... all squeeky new and you never know if its going to be good kissing or bad kissing.. there is no way to tell before hand, like a good or bad kinder surprise. also there is that whole "i'm a BAD girl, I'm kissing somebody whom i have no idea what thier last name is, let alone how to spell it".
now, when i was a younger, more mixed up and a helluva lot more promiscuous in my younger years, this was not a huge deal. back in those days, holding hands seemed a more deviant, more intimate gesture, than say, a blowjob on the first date.
in the few days following the breakup i kissed quite a few fellows... all experimental...
in particular I started kissing this other boy a couple of nights ago. It was st-jean baptiste, which is this HUGE holiday here in quebec, celebrated mainly, it seems, by gross intoxication. picture thousands and thousands of people (250,000) on the "plains"
and i was drinking wine out of a paper bag with friends, when i met this cutie... we laughed, he flirted, he related obscure pop culture references that i got. we hit it off. i got drunker. we told each other stories. we got deep in discussion with only each other.
about two hours later, i realized, that despite having met him at my friend's party prior to departing to the plains, that (1) my friends were now no longer to be found, anywhere. and (2) i had neglected to actually ask this guy what his name was, first or last...
so we were wandering around, and at some point, amid the bonfires and surreal nature of the night, we ended up kissing. and kissing. and kissing some more. and after about an hour of making out (by this time, lying on the ground, which wasn't as obvious at the time as it sounds now), we were pausing to catch our breath and it somehow arose that i was unsure of his name..
"what's my name????"
"ummmm, brad? bryan? dave? steve? mark? scott? "
it didn't help my case that i was near tears laughing so hard while doing this, 'cause i mean, come on... i had just made out with him for an hour, knew that he had a younger brother, his top five movie fave of all time, that he was in quebec to do computer programming, what he wanted to be when he grew up, etc, etc... and i had absolutely NO IDEA what his name was...
turned out to be ryan. i think i was pretty close with the 'bryan' guess.
fast forward a couple days and me & ryan are getting quite cosy.
i like this guy.
i like this guy alot....
three and a half days into a very intense little affair, he decides that he doesn't foresee a future together. just like that, cut off. he went from holding my hand and talking about future plans to an hour later just...not.
but he wants to be friends. not acquaintances, but close friends.
so thats what we've been doing.... hanging out alot. flirting on email during the day. hanging out and talking for hours on end at night.
so in the space of a little under two weeks, i have dumped the guy i was seeing (that i also work with), kissed no less than 4 guys, started living the extreme single life... started seeing, then stopped seeing 1 guy, and now i have myself squarely in the most unfamiliar emotional place that i have ever been:
just friends with someone that i actually yearn to lean over and kiss while we are talking. i mean, i wish for it so badly sometimes when we are hanging out i can feel it, and so can he. he says that he really, really doesn't want to lose me (did i mention that this thing has been really intense?) . i can't stand liking someone this much and not being allowed to kiss them.
i have never liked someone who hasn't liked me back. not in all of my 29 years of dating..
isn't this more of a high school thing?
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fucked up before - fucked up after
